In your silence, I’ve heard you

Your silence drags
Across my spirit, my heart and my body
At slow pace, in parts as sharp as lightning and drops of flame
I miss you
I know, I know
They told me to forget you
I’m working on it, I’m working on it
It’s easier said than done
When you torment my dreams
And in my waking hours
I feel like I’m in a day dream
Until it’s at that hour, the witching one
And I reach to touch for you
And I realise, it’s just a nightmare
A mirage, you weren’t really there
Your silence is loud, it’s clear
It’s clear like a sun lit day
As loud as the beat of my heart

In your silence, I’ve heard you
In your silence this disquiet grew under
I wonder. What was it that happened?
I suppose that’s rhetoric really
Because um – I should have known
That that fuck was a fluke
I’m lay here and I’m wondering
Why I want you
When I know you don’t want me for certain
I’m lay here and I’m wondering
Why you sought me out to begin with
I’m lay here and I’m wondering
Do you miss me?
I’m lay here and I’m wondering
Does he even care?
I’m lay here and I know
All of the answers
No
Why I ask I don’t know
I suppose to answer what I’ve posed to me
Questions to myself

They say I should forget you
And I’m working on this
They say I should forget you
I’m not sure where to begin
They say I should forget you
But, each time I fall asleep, I see you
They say I should forget you
But, my waking hours are like a nightmare
They say I should forget you
I think they are right
They say I should forget you
And as Ogun bears witness
I will someday soon
Someday soon, this will be a distant memory
Someday soon
I won’t wake up and want to reach for you
Someday soon, you won’t haunt my dreams
Someday soon, I won’t cry like yesterday
Someday soon

I wish I could say I hate you, I don’t
I just miss you
I miss the sound of your laughter
I miss our talks about all and nothing
I miss the hug unexpected, welcomed and returned
I miss your kisses down my spine
I miss your fingers tracing goose pimpled maps
Across every single part of me
I miss your frown whilst deep in thought
I miss your smile
I miss your intensity of spirit
I miss your playfulness
I miss your seriousness too
And I know you won’t be back
Frankly, I doubt I want you back
No, not really
And still, I miss you

They said I should forget you
I know they are right
They said I should forget you
I’m trying
They said I should forget you
I know they are right
They said I should forget you
I’m working on it, I’m working on it
This silence
Like nail dragging at snail speed
Across the entirety of me
Boulder like silence, trying to fit into my chest
That hurts the most
And I heard you, in your silence
I’ve heard you
It’s over.

Screw being 'strong' for today

If i wanted to be strong today
I’d have called a doctor, not you
I’m tired of being told
‘stay strong’ ‘be strong’ ‘you're strong’ bla bla bla
What is it about this black girl’s pain
That turns your eyes awry
Some friend you are
To tell me to anchor, with 'strength' within, i already did that first!
When i heard, Olokun whispering, calling, a storm brewing,

How can you spout such tripe
When, all i want to do is follow Yemoja
To the base of the river beds
The ocean floors
To see what serene feels like
For just a moment of respite
‘i'm sorry to hear’ some say
Though, i'm almost certain, NOT! Follows
In the smirk and wry smile
Eye corners crinkled with mischief
As if to say 'oh well, you needed that lesson' glee is barely hidden
Pure disdain

I’m sad, i’m tired, i’m angry, i’m in flight, i’m processing, i'm floating
In this very dark moment, I've seen the brightest light sparks
Oh! That’s me? When i come back? To the middle, in sync again, maybe not
I don’t want to be strong, not merely
Not right now, at least not how you define it
Stoic, unmoving, unmoveable, touche indeed
As if my hurting disgusts you
I know you didn't want to know, no not really
I wouldn't tell ordinarily

Not today,
Today i went to dig further
Today you asked how i was
I told you ‘ekk u ekk’
You respond like everyone else
‘stay strong’ 'you've been so strong before'
Well, i’m tired of being this ‘strong’ whatever it means
I don’t want to ‘hang on’
Listen, can you tell me
Why my hurting thing
Makes you wanna holler?

Am i not allowed this human process
Of seeking, of self, of healing, of recovery
How does one stay strong
Without first healing
How do i heal without testimony
How can i testify
If you seek to silence me
With a gagging band aid of ‘be strong’
And you wonder why,
Some days, i’ll still smile
Through the murky strains of tears and fears
Burrowing just beneath
Oya has come again with change now

Not tomorrow though,
Tomorrow when you will have asked
How are you?
Not feeling very strong i’ll tell you as the laughter rises
Just as well, i feel free and just perfect
With being
A living woman

Untitled

Oya told him to tell me.
I didn't listen, he said she said.
She threw her back and laughed and laughed, she just knew i'd be back in tears no less, wishing time could reverse.
'Not in these times' he said she said, 'look clearly for the next test thrown, or you will repeat it!'
Remember lamide from your school.
I shuddered wide eyed.
Lamide...no...she wouldn't

She might, she might not...i'm not so sure now.

Unnamed - 3 am 9th April

He said

‘I found the Oya to my Shango’
In ancient times of folklore
She was his wife
Then his mistress, then his mother
So the legend goes
Either way, of these three things
I’m out of. Trinity
I saw in him, greatness
One you see in a loved best friend
Of course
This meant my Oya
Now had no Shango
In my reasoning
I could never be those things
Not mother
Well maybe, just not one
Who births her lover
So the legend goes
Besides, Freud lives no more
Not mistress, that’d be a distress
Wife, I’d consider and add
Lover. In my reasoning
This holds one thing. Mother.
Maybe to the next to come
From between us – a mesh of body, writhing spirits and soul
None of these three I am
In ancient times, when the gods walked the earth
She was his wife, mother, mistress
He said ‘I found the Oya to my Shango’
I turned to see
She was an echo of me
A reverb scratching a screeching noise
Into my conscious
Like Yemoja’s curse, I might die
This restlessness
An echo of me I thought she was
And I hear you
That line was a low blow
I admit I aimed for the jugular in zigzag blows
I looked at this Oya to his Shango
My oya spoke ‘let her go, release them both’
Burning eyes
Tears about to fall
Akin to raging hail stones
Held back as I fled
Into the night
Erzulie beside me
Always there
Saying nothing