Screw being 'strong' for today

If i wanted to be strong today
I’d have called a doctor, not you
I’m tired of being told
‘stay strong’ ‘be strong’ ‘you're strong’ bla bla bla
What is it about this black girl’s pain
That turns your eyes awry
Some friend you are
To tell me to anchor, with 'strength' within, i already did that first!
When i heard, Olokun whispering, calling, a storm brewing,

How can you spout such tripe
When, all i want to do is follow Yemoja
To the base of the river beds
The ocean floors
To see what serene feels like
For just a moment of respite
‘i'm sorry to hear’ some say
Though, i'm almost certain, NOT! Follows
In the smirk and wry smile
Eye corners crinkled with mischief
As if to say 'oh well, you needed that lesson' glee is barely hidden
Pure disdain

I’m sad, i’m tired, i’m angry, i’m in flight, i’m processing, i'm floating
In this very dark moment, I've seen the brightest light sparks
Oh! That’s me? When i come back? To the middle, in sync again, maybe not
I don’t want to be strong, not merely
Not right now, at least not how you define it
Stoic, unmoving, unmoveable, touche indeed
As if my hurting disgusts you
I know you didn't want to know, no not really
I wouldn't tell ordinarily

Not today,
Today i went to dig further
Today you asked how i was
I told you ‘ekk u ekk’
You respond like everyone else
‘stay strong’ 'you've been so strong before'
Well, i’m tired of being this ‘strong’ whatever it means
I don’t want to ‘hang on’
Listen, can you tell me
Why my hurting thing
Makes you wanna holler?

Am i not allowed this human process
Of seeking, of self, of healing, of recovery
How does one stay strong
Without first healing
How do i heal without testimony
How can i testify
If you seek to silence me
With a gagging band aid of ‘be strong’
And you wonder why,
Some days, i’ll still smile
Through the murky strains of tears and fears
Burrowing just beneath
Oya has come again with change now

Not tomorrow though,
Tomorrow when you will have asked
How are you?
Not feeling very strong i’ll tell you as the laughter rises
Just as well, i feel free and just perfect
With being
A living woman

I’m here, I’m here, I’m going again, I’m going again

Nothing is worse than breaking your own heart

I used to think it was bad when some one else did
Then I came across you, and I saw, you did everything
All you thought would make sense, should make sense
Didn't, not to me, nor to you even
Not the kiss before midnight,
The knowing glance, glances, brushes past thighs,
The keen kisses, grazes on my collar bone, that which sends me in to disarray

Usually

Except I’m not here, I can’t reach you, you cling to my hair,
I gasp and realise, not even this,
Not the sweet, desperate, pleading thrusts at the witching hour
When it’s easier to show erzulie into your presence
Would you know how to act, if she came through me to you now?
As we dance in the dark, oshun bearing parting gifts, open circle
My waist beads jiggle, swerve, and swing to this rhythm

This dance known to all, but now lost to us
I’m here, I’m here, I’m going again, I’m going again,
I'm at the abyss, the abyss is coming nearer, it's empty, it seeks me
I’m losing you even though we in this moment are face to face
You are losing me even though in that moment you are in the depths of my inner being
Not my heart, there’s a tiger its walls

The one below

Though from this prayer, she may have found a new home
My knees buckle, I’m here, I’m here, I heard you
I turn to reach for you and find you asleep. Clothed.
I felt it. I shudder, you stir and mumble my name

That night I cry myself to sleep unsure of what I’m feeling
And I know there’s nothing worse than breaking your own heart
I don't know who i am, i don't know who you are either